Archive for the ‘The Other Stuff’ Category
“No?! I thought you’d set her up in her own flat in the West End?!”
“Also that little country cottage near Falmouth?”
“And didn’t you provide her with an American Express Platinum card with no upper limit?”
“Then there was that boutique nail bar she always wanted – oh, and those night club premises so she could, what was it… ‘follow her dream’?”
“Also that exclusive gym membership, the personal trainer, the charge account at Harrods, the new sports car, and of course – wasn’t there that little run around for her mother as well?”
“Oh, and didn’t you take her to Rome and Sydney… er, and New York and Las Vegas too?”
“Yeh, and Cape Town… all club class flights, all at top first class hotels, all in the last year…”
“Woooh… So what happened?!”
“She left me…”
“After all that?!”
“Yeh, and the rest…”
“Tip of the iceberg..”
“Yeh, all cashed in – or cashed out…”
“Wow… Did she say why?!”
“She went off with someone richer…”
“Just a post it note when I came back from a conference one evening…”
“Scheming little bitch!
“Out of the blue you say?”
“Yeh… I’d just given her a few thousand spending money the night before…”
“Jee-zus… All that… What on earth did you get out of it, fer chrissakes?!”
“A permanent hard-on for a year…”
“She was hot though, wasn’t she?”
“A total hottie…”
“Lovely girl deep down…”
You Know You’re Getting Older when…
ONE) For the first time in your life you just have to give the girl on the till in the supermarket the exact money despite the long queue snaking around the store behind you.
TWO) You spend all day thinking about going out, where to go out, when to go out, what to go out for – but then don’t.
THREE) It feels as if a reactionary ventriloquist has assumed control and you start uttering vague, inconclusive phrases; value judgements and pronouncements to no one in particular along the lines of – Kids eh?! Back in my day. I remember when we used to get summers. Criminals weren’t so violent then.
FOUR) Beige, biscuit, grey, and off-white start to look like attractive options for clothing colours.
FIVE) You don’t bother to try and read this.
SIX) You buy clothes for comfort rather than with the other sex in mind.
SEVEN) You start to wonder what the top speed of a mobility scooter is and whether it’s really possible to pimp it up.
EIGHT) Despite the prehistoric design, the dodgy axle and the tartan trim a shopping trolley seems to be a sensible resolution to carrying all that heavy shopping after all.
NINE) a) You look around the street and realise there is strength in numbers. b) You’re not alone. c) You’re also invisible.
TEN) Those little catalogues of ‘useful’ gadgets that routinely fall out of newspaper supplements and magazines become interesting to read.
ELEVEN) Certain numbers are best ignored.