Archive for the ‘Film Fandango’ Category

An American Film Star In Europe

Cannes film festival red carpetWHAT THEY SAY –



“Oh for sure, yeh… I’m a big Anglophile – Harry Potter One; Harry Potter Two and er; Harry Potter Three…”

“That’s the only British films I know.”

“That’s right – ten countries in six days is a pretty intensive promotional tour…”

“Europe?!  The Midwest is bigger!”

“I totally love the concept of getting out there and meeting all the fans…”Savoy Hotel

“Goddamn loony links, psychos and Twitter-shit – where’s my security?!”

“I always enjoy talking about a new movie…”

“The same hotel room, a moving sidewalk of moron critics and a whole day to fill – what’s not to like?”

“Am I a method actor?”

“Make it quick: make lots of money – that’s my method.”

“No, I will not discuss this!  My private life is always kinda kept separate… almost sacrosanct… as for the paparazzi!”

“Unless of course you pay me loads of dollars.  Remind me to tell you about my sex tape some time… yeh, believe me – it’s her!”Hollywood Sign

“It’s just so hard to keep a normal sane relationship going in this business…”

“Especially when I can’t keep it in my trousers… hey, look at that foxy waitress!”

“I love coming to England – man, I just love it here…”

“LFilm Stripondon?  That’s England – right?”

“Oh you guys are so lucky as English actors to have that theatrical tradition to call upon…”

“Have you seen that Shakespeare dude let alone understand that medieval crap? Forsooth my liege – are you kiddin’ me or what?!  And you would never get me in those tights!”

“For sure… this is a continuation of the themes from the previous picture…”

“It’s the same movie boofhead – there are no new ideas and it was written by committee on a computer programme – but hey, who cares?  We’ve already grossed $130 mill so far back home.”

“That’s a good question…”

“OMG!  That’s the twentieth time I’ve heard it from some whining limey accent so far today.”

“It makes me so humble to think that you’re the country that really gets my work…”

“How do I say that in French, German, Polish and Italian?”

“I’m not one for the show – for me it’s the art every time…”Hollywood_Studio_Clapboard_Reel_Centerpiece

“No red carpet spot – no go – got that?!”

“It’s a post-modern deconstruction of the role in society of an embittered authority figure…”

“Okay – so it’s a run of the mill cop film with the usual fetishised character traits and a plot that is based on the obvious suspense device of only twenty-four hours to catch the crooks – but hey; this is a festival you gotta jazz it up… right?”

“Yeh; I’m just a regular guy – my folks keep me grounded…”

“I’ve got cousins in Arkansas – trailer trash on the make every damn one of them – thank god we never see them!”

“Away from the movies?  I tend to forget I’m an international star and just do the normal sort of things ya know – go to the mall, driving, reading: friends round – just hangin’ out…”

Film Strip“My therapist thinks I have a messiah complex.”

“I don’t tend to mix with the Hollywood set – they’re too plastic…”

“They don’t invite me anymore after that incident with the Oscar statue at Michael Douglas’s house.”

With this new movie I wanted to step outside the studios for a while – kinda rekindle the excitement of making art for art’s sake rather than pure commerce…”

“After that last turkey I had no goddamn choice.”

“I really want to come here and direct my first movie…”

“You’re a hell of a lot cheaper than Hollywood!”

“You think my films have too many fast cuts and swear words?”

“Next  f**kin’ question!”


“Yeh; we always travel on the river when we’re in Paris”

“What?! They queued around the block for my last movie?”

“Jeez when are you guys gonna build a few more multiplexes.”

“It’s an honour and a privilege to come here and accept this…”

“Six thousand miles?!  Christ… I could have accepted this at sundance film fest logohome and stuck it up on YouTube.”

Actresses in Europe have sure got something so different…”

“Arrogant bitches the lot of ’em; nose in the air; strange accents and they only want to talk about the craft when it’s time to PAR-TY!”

“I guess I would describe it as an art house movie…”

“Well it is since we cut our losses and took it to Sundance.  The mainstream didn’t want it so what the hell!  Call it creative marketing – call it what you like; as long as I get paid!”

“You say you love my films?”

“See… I told you they’d swallow any old derivative high action shit here!”

It’s so great to be here at last…”

“Where the f**k are we?”film stock


On The Red Carpet

anne-hathaway- oscars“And the Award for Best Unsupported Actress goes to…”


A Dozen Reasons To Avoid A Trip To The Cinema

now-showing21)      A FEEL-GOOD movie.  I feel sick: paper-thin plot, clichéd characterisation and predictable emotional journey – strictly from A-B.  We’re not talking James Brown here… only the bland leading the blind for the blonde in taste.

2)      ANYTHING recommended by Baz Bamigboye – the rent-a-quote boy(e) of the British film press.  No man has laid down so much product puff to so many that means so little to so few.  Must have hit more crossroads than a Birmingham delivery driver… he has sold his soul so often that his disappearing critical faculty is subject of a complex new Scandinavian mystery movie.

3)      A 3D SPECTACULAR.  The producers didn’t develop the script, they paid no money on quality actors and forgot a film is supposed to have a plot that holds all the rest together.  But… “Hey; like WOW – we got monster’s dangly bits that reach right out into the audience!”

4)      A SPECIAL GUEST STAR selection for misogynists; X-boxers and X-men lovers – and anyone else who does anything X-rated in a back bedroom with the curtains drawn.  A PERIOD DRAMA: there’s a clue in the description – it has nothing whatsoever to do with women’s ahem, bits (mind you neither do the above) but is mainly for women.  Shout “Jane Austen” at these black-clad warriors and they shrivel like vampires in any case.

5)      Anything where FRANCHISE is the predominant descriptive word – rather than movie.

6)      The latest singing sensation’s FIRST acting role.  You don’t like their disingenuous singing and cod-sexual posturing so what odds that you’re going to believe in their acting?

7)      Remake of an absolute stone-cold CLASSIC.  Crime scene alert!  “There’s no believable motive lieutenant.”  Who? What? When? Where? Why???!!!

8)      A FAMILY FILM – not for you, unless you’ve got a young family.  As an adult you’re only there to provide the lift and the mega-bucket of popcorn.  Family means it’s targeted at the youngest members only you big kid!

9)      The DIRECTOR’S CUT – more indulgent than aforesaid mega-bucket of popcorn and just as irresponsible.  There is a reason for a film being cut in the first place.

10)   A MUST SEE movie.  The triumph of the film industry’s favourite equation: flavour of the month x Oscar nominations x marketing push + lazy critics squared = big bucks.

11)   Any film where critics see fit to invent a new ADJECTIVE such as – Bumclenchinglyamoviemazing!  Crap basically: with more syllables than actual film plus points.

12)   A PLOT based solely on a hit song; a computer game; Justin Bieber’s life story; a hunch or pre-production focus group marketing taken to the nth degree.


Arnie Returns

Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to make new – age appropriate – movies…



“I’ll er… probably be back … er; but then again…”

Commando again?  Goddammit - you joking!  Now I always wear sensible boxers.

Commando remake? God-dam-mit – you joking! Now I always wear sen-si-ble boxers.

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