Archive for the ‘Comedy’ Tag

Mavis And Ted *8*

 Mavis & Ted

Unfathomably Deep…

 

“You can see the sea from here…”

“Of course you can Ted!”

“No! I mean you can really see the sea!”

“Er… yeh… I see what you mean.”

“You do?”

“Sort of…”

“Deep and unfathomable…”

“Ted?!”

“The dark heart of an awesome primeval power…”

“You okay Ted?”

“If I was to go down the end of the pier and pee in it, then that would really be a drop in the ocean!”

“You have the fishcakes at lunch Ted?”

“Four!”

“You silly man, you know what greasy sea food does to your equilibrium”

“Doesn’t do much for my Irritable Bowel Syndrome either…”

“Deep and unfathomable?”

“More like awesome primeval power!”

“Oh dear…”

Pre-cisely.”

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The Man At The End Of The Bar (love hurts)

He’s of indeterminate age.  He resides in every pub and bar in the land.  An everyman with a pint glass.  He doesn’t appear to have any friends… unless they’ve all used the excuse of going to the toilet.  He’s a self-regarding oasis in an ocean of anomie.  This man is an island… He’s most definitely not a peninsula.  If he were the butterfly wings of chaos Sinking a pinttheory then heaven help what’s happening on the other side of the world.  If there really is six degrees of separation to Kevin Bacon – then he’s number seven.  If all famous rock bands have an unlucky early member who leaves prior to them making it big – then it wasn’t him.  If he had a makeover no-one would notice – because no-one would remember what he originally looked like.  His sole purpose in life is to make comment on conversations he isn’t involved in; to people he doesn’t know; while delivering his wisdom to an audience of none.  He offers his opinions regardless.  Without thought.  Or fear.  Or favour.  Or reason.  His only obvious social skill is setting a tumbleweed of indifference adrift among a desert of silent disbelieving looks.  Who said that?!

The Man at the end of the bar

EmptyPintGlass

“You’re quiet tonight…”

“………”

“I said you’re quiet tonight…”

“………”

“Let me guess… women?”

“How’d you know?!”

“It’s about the only thing that keeps you quiet.”

“She says I’ve really upset her Dave…”

“How come?”

“She says I’ve alienated her…”

“Yeh?”

“I told her that’s just bloody ridiculous – the new X-Files is only six episodes long and I didn’t watch ’em all at once!”

“Right…”

“Looks like she’s gonna leave me; just like all the rest…”

“Hmmm…”

“I’m just devastated Dave…”

“Yeh…”

“Do you think she still cares?”

“Remember… they do say; you always hurt the one you love…”

“Yeh… you could be right…”

“Either that; or you always love the ones who hurt you…”

“I spose so…”

“Or was it… you always love the ones who love to hurt you?”

“So ya think she still loves me then Dave?”

“Mind you; it could have been you always love the hurt from love and that’s why you love the ones who love to hurt you?”

“Er…. just put another one in there will you Dave?”

Mavis And Ted *7*

 Mavis & Ted

Old Film…

 

“What you thinkin’ Ted?”

“Eh? Wot?”

“I said… what you thinkin’ Ted?”

“Oh, just that when I was young I used to see life in technicolour… now it’s all grainy black and white…”

“Yeh, I know what you mean… everythin’ in life’s a bit like a foreign film these days… reality TV, internet shoppin’, same sex marriage; girls wiv tattoos…”

“What girl in the news?”

“I said… girls wiv tattoos!”

“She got married in some foreign film you say?”

“Who?!”

That girl in the news…”

“I wish life was a foreign film sometimes…”

Why?!”

“Coz they got ruddy subtitles… that’s why!!”

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Mavis And Ted *6*

Mavis & Ted

Junk In The Trunk…

 

“Ted?”

“Wot?”

“Do you still love me Ted?”

“Huh?”

“I said, do you still love me Ted?”

“Er, yeh… of course… yeh…”

“Same as when we first met?”

“Same as when we first met…”

“As deep as the deep blue sea?”

“Yep.”

“As deep as the deep blue sea?”

“As deep as the deep blue sea…”

“More and more each day?”

“More and more each day…”

“With every beat of your heart?”

“Yeh, with every beat of my heart…”

“Good…”

“Hmmm…”

“Ted?”

“Wot?!!”

“Do you still fancy me though?”

“Yeh, I still fancy you…”

“Have I still got it?”

“You’ve still got it…”

“How about the junk in my trunk?”

“You been hangin’ around them kids at that burger bar on the front again?!”

“In all the right places?”

“Yeh, in all the right places… mind you, there are places on your places now…”

“What was that Ted?”

“In all the right places…”

“Good…”

“Yep…”

“So I’m still your girl then?”

“You’re still my girl…”

“All the fun of the fair?”

“All the fun of the fair…”

“Forever and ever?”

“Forever and ever…”

“Good…”

“Yep…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mavis And Ted *5*

Mavis & Ted

Magnum Force…

 

“Good grief Ted!”

“What?  What’s up?!”

You… have you finished that ice cream you bought already!?”

“Yeh… well?”

“You’ll have indigestion again you greedy guts and you know who’ll be kept awake all night don’t you?  I’ve barely had the chance to lick me cornet!”

“Er, sorry Mavis, but you know I always eat quickly when I’m stressed.”

“The sky’s blue, the sea’s calm and we’re havin’ a luvly time watchin’ the world go by… so what on earth would you be stressed about?”

“It was the guy in the ice cream van…”

“You got your ice cream alright, didn’t ya?”

Obviously…”

“What was it?”

“A Magnum.”

“Your favourite… so I don’t see…”

“Well, when I asked the guy in the van for it he goes to me… ‘Do you feel lucky punk?  Do you?’  I said at my age I’m lucky to feel anything…”

“Then what’d say?”

“He then says… ‘How old are you granddad?’”

“What did you say Ted?”

“Seventy-three!  What do you think I said!”

“No need to take it out on me!”

“Sorry gal… I’m a bit upset… see – I’m tremblin’…”

“So you are Ted… then what did he say?”

“He goes… ‘1973 – that’s the year when the film came out so you are lucky – you punk.’”

“What’d he mean by that?”

“Well, he goes on to tell me he’s a big Clint Eastwood fan and he watches all his movies on his i-pad apple thingy in the cab between being disturbed at the best bits by havin’ to serve old gits like me with no teeth – ice-cream!”

“I tells him… I’m no ruddy punk and he says…”

“What’d he say?!”

“Only that I looks more like Clyde the ruddy gorilla in Every which way but loose – cheeky young sod!”

“Too right Ted – If me memory ain’t playin’ tricks though, it was of them Orang-utans…”

“Does it matter?!”

“Sorry, what’d you do Ted?”

“I says – I may be old but I’m mainly good… but I can be bad so you’d better watch out!  Then I says… sometimes it’s been known for me to be downright ugly!”

“Ooh, what’d he say to that?”

“Not a lot… by then I’d tipped his rack of cornets any which way I could, squirted his raspberry juice on his Bronco Billy and shoved some of his 99 flakes right up his Eiger Sanction!”

“Oooooh Ted!  Play misty for me tonight?!”

“Only if me indigestion ain’t playin’ up.  Yer right, I did put that Magnum down me throat with too much force…”

 

 

 

 

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The Man At The End Of The Bar (ukip)

He’s of indeterminate age.  He resides in every pub and bar in the land.  An everyman with a pint glass.  He doesn’t appear to have any friends… unless they’ve all used the excuse of going to the toilet.  He’s a self-regarding oasis in an ocean of anomie.  This man is an island… He’s most definitely not a peninsula.  If he were the butterfly wings of chaos Sinking a pinttheory then heaven help what’s happening on the other side of the world.  If there really is six degrees of separation to Kevin Bacon – then he’s number seven.  If all famous rock bands have an unlucky early member who leaves prior to them making it big – then it wasn’t him.  If he had a makeover no-one would notice – because no-one would remember what he originally looked like.  His sole purpose in life is to make comment on conversations he isn’t involved in; to people he doesn’t know; while delivering his wisdom to an audience of none.  He offers his opinions regardless.  Without thought.  Or fear.  Or favour.  Or reason.  His only obvious social skill is setting a tumbleweed of indifference adrift among a desert of silent disbelieving looks.  Who said that?!

The Man at the end of the bar

EmptyPintGlass

“UKIP?  Always sounds like a cure for insomnia to me… Get new UKIP from JML!  Available at all good retailers – and Robert Dyas… believe me you don’t want to know.

 

“Why should I like Nigel Farage?!  Just because I enjoy a pint?!  I’m not a racist: I’m a people person me – years ago I’d have been described as the salt of the earth.  What do you mean you’ve never heard of that expression?  Anyway, Nigel was always the uppity kid on the school bus; I remember he was always travel sick… wouldn’t sit next to the girls, fat John with the perspiration problem – or the kids with turbans.  Hmmmph… they were the only ones who’d sit next to me…

 

“I don’t care if they do well in the European elections… Why?!  I’ll tell you why… Because old Nigel has poked a stick under a stone deep into the dark underbelly of the English persona and stirred up a hornet’s nest – that’s why.  There’s nuthin’ worse than someone rummagin’ around in your psyche… we don’t like it: we don’t want to be poked or put on the spot; we want a peaceful life; we want to get on with our neighbours – quid pro quo and all that… we like to leave our backdoors open so to speak: we prefer to leave politics to those who enjoy all that backstabbin’ stuff.  They smile in yer face but all the time they want to take yer place… Who?!  The backstabbers!

 

“Me… apathetic?!  No way!  I just can’t be bothered – that’s all… I still have my role to play.  I’m the man on the Clapham omnibus; I’m the litmus test; I’m the man in the street… well obviously that’s metaphorical you knob!  I’m the political barometer: I’ve been known to swing both ways accordin’ to Peter Snow…

 

“Let’s cut to the chase… If he pronounced his name as his mother intended – Nigel Far-idge – and not Nigel bloody Far-aaahge then believe you me we wouldn’t be havin’ this conversation… Put another one in there will you Dave?”

 

 

Mavis And Ted *4*

Mavis & Ted

Weather Girls…

 

Aaah, that’s better… weight off me feet, a bit of sun and we’ve beat the Bank Holiday rush.”

“Yeh –  it was a good idea to come a few days early.”

“Nice to get away from all the stress…”

N-i-c-e…

Aaah; just smell that sea air…”

Mmmm…”

“Weather looks set fair… at least according to Carol on that BBC Breakfast.”

Only until Sunday.”

“High pressure in charge she said… a bit of cloud driftin’ in from the Continent but temperatures above average for the time of year…”

“That’s not what Kirsty said on Channel Five…”

“What does she know?!  This was Carol on the BBC… nice lady… always laughing…”

“Listen; they all get the same weather information.”

“Why is it always different then?!”

“It’s a question of interpretation – I expect Kirsty and Sian are more up to date with them satellites than your Carol…”

“Sensationalism – that’s all you’ll get from that channel!  Anyway… they’re weather girls… Carol’s experienced – she’s been forecastin’ for years!”

“Weather woman? – Weather girl? – I’ll have you know Kirsty’s had two babies…”

“Well, unless they were baby satellites I don’t see your point.”

“Meteorological Bureau’s near Reading – right?”

Yeh…”

“Channel Five is in London… “

Ye-eh…

 “The BBC has moved to ruddy Salford so I doubt if Carol commutes on a daily basis!”

“I don’t blame ‘er… I went there once – didn’t like it…”

“I never knew you’d been to the Meteorological Bureau?!”

No… Reading!  It’s a bit like London – only smaller.  Too many people for me…”

“I expect the Meteorological Bureau’s the same.”

“What – small?”

“No too many people – just look at all the weather girls that are on all the channels…”

“I see what you mean… I’ll bet the corridors are full of these young women with big hair, bodycon dresses and high heels – don’t you Ted?”

“…………”

“Ted!”

“Er; yeh…”

“So Kirsty’s your favourite?”

“Not likely – I prefer that wots ‘er name – Lucy Verysamey on ITV; you know… the one who used to be on Daybreak…”

“I know who you mean… she’s very samey alright – all seductive shoulder, spray tan, tight blouses, pert breasts and pout: don’t think I haven’t seen you lookin’!”

Yeh… doesn’t matter what the weather is when she’s on…”

“You don’t look at me like that anymore.”

“Cold front, lingering depression and too many isobars…”

“What’d you say Ted?”

“Er; nuthin’…”

“Don’t you go all Michael Fish on me and deny it!”

“I said it’s cold on the front so let’s enjoy it while it lasts up here behind the bars.”

Hmmmyeh… that’s what I thought you said.”

Mavis And Ted *3*

Mavis & Ted

First Love…

 

Oh Ted… it’s wonderful to be back again.”

“Aha…”

“To think it was 1963 when we first came here!”

“Hmmm…”

“Our first time away together… our first ever holiday…”

“Yeh…”

“My Mum was against it – she told me I could do better – do you remember?”

Oh yes…”

“I remember Dad wanted to chaperone but we made it clear we’d be staying in separate rooms and getting married later that year.”

“My Dad was glad to get rid of me for a week.”

“Funny isn’t it… how times change?  Especially when you see what the kids get up to on the beach now… all those girls with next to nothing on throwing themselves at the boys… it’s terrible.”

Terrible…”

“We stayed in that little B&B off the front next to those lovely gardens.”

“The one next to the pub.”

“The landlady was lovely.”

“Her daughter was up for it.”

“She did gorgeous cream teas.”

“The local beer was great.”

“I got so full I felt sick!”

“I got so drunk I was sick!”

“I had to go and walk it off on the beach.”

“She wanted me to meet her by the pier.”

“A good constitutional does the world of good – as Dad used to say.”

“She asked me to run away with her.”

“At least we never broke that promise to Dad.”

“I… I just couldn’t.”

“Mum and Dad had their doubts about our feelings… thought I didn’t really love you… an ‘infatuation’ Mum called it… she wondered whether what we had would last…”

“It was love at first sight.”

“I guess we kind of grew into each other so to speak…”

“Never saw her again.”

“We’re living proof that – given time – affection can grow into something else.”

“She had the most beautiful blue eyes…”

“We’ve always been steady though haven’t we?”

“I can still see them now…”

“We’ve had a wonderful fifty-odd years.”

“It’s been a long time.”

“Wish I could find the photos I took by the pier… me in that dogs tooth two-piece – you in your leather jacket.”

“She wrote to me for six months.”

“Never find them now…”

“I threw her letters away ten years ago…”

“Must have lost them in the move…”

“If only…”

“Still… No regrets – eh Ted?”

“Er…What?!”

“I said – no regrets?”

“Me?! Of course not…”

“Happy?”

“Aha…”

“You want a ninety-nine?

“Hmmm… That’d be nice.”

“Two flakes?”

“Yeh… You know me…

“I should do by now!”

Rock Of Ages – The Reunion Tour

“Hello The Willows!... we’re called Senakot!  And we’re gonna rock the shit out of this place!”

“Hello The Willows!… we’re called Senakot! And we’re gonna rock the shit out of this place!”

“What’s that?  My eyes a bit funny?  Been on the wacky-baccy?  Nah; just done six lines of ex-lax.”“What’s that? My eyes a bit funny? Been on the wacky-baccy?  Ounce of coke?  Nah; just done six lines of Ex-Lax.”

“It’s great to be down here among the audience again!  Now how the hell do I get back to the stage?!”

“Listen you old git… audience participation is later in the set – show up my solo again with those maracas and you won’t find your wheelchair!”

Old guy with guitar

“This one’s called Sympathy For The Devil…can’t be too careful at our age.”

 

care home concert1

“Alright gorgeous find your damn Zimmer Frame and meet me outside after the show – okay?!”

 

Old rocker2

“You’re a great audience… I think we played here about six months ago.  Well, I did… the rest of the guys have passed on I’m afraid… Though I guess that’s the same for you as well.  Did we play here six months ago?!  What’s that?!  You don’t know… Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll enjoy us again.  For those who don’t remember we’re doing the same set as last time.  Right… now why am I here again?”

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