Archive for the ‘Misheard History’ Category

Hitler – A Text From History

 Downcast Hitler

“Is there a problem Mein Führer?!”

“I don’t understand it! Why does no-one put LOL in their messages from the Russian Front anymore?!”

The Executioner’s Song

two hangmen

MUSIC WHILE YOU JERK

“What do I listen to?  Oh, dance music mainly…

Yeh… I’m quite partial to a tune from Calvin Harris or Skrillex… one with a good ‘drop’…”

It’s My (Nazi) Party…

Hitler going up steps

“Ach mein Gott!  An intimate gathering I saidNo pamphlets; no speeches; no elaborately staged conventions; no need to dress up…

“Simply a chance for a few like-minded Fascists to cultivate an air of superiority and chill for the weekend in Nuremberg… An opportunity to network and discuss world domination and all things Aryan over a few steins.  Just place a card in a Munich beer hall window I said

“Schweinhund!!!  Damn Goebbels for putting it on Facebook!!!”

 

 

(Native) Men Prefer Blondes

Battle of little big hornNeed colour quick?  No need to send for the cavalry!

 

Get General Custer’s golden baby blonde – part of the new range of wash-and-go colours.

 

For when your hair is up for close inspection..

Reich,Left; Reich,Left…

Hitler points out the culprit

“Dummkopf!  Arrest that man!  Stormtrooper twenty-three across; two thousand and eighty-two back… It’s goose-step not gangnam!  Goose-step!!!”

King Henry Ate

family-of-henry-viii-1572“Out of my sight!!!  Guards… take that man to the Tower!”

“Your Majesty?!”

“Have you not heard this insolent knave?!  In attempting to lighten the mood he rants like a man possessed by the very devil himself.  What else could explain the strange gibberish that pours forth from his venomous mouth?  Do you not hear what he calls me?!  King Cholesterol; Obese Omnipotence; The Portly Protector; Lord Lard-Arse; The Porky Poltroon; His Majestical Muffin Top; Type-2 Tudor and Henry Love Handles!

“He then regales the members of Court with a tale thus: ‘King Henry, right… I’m not saying he’s fat, right… But it looks like he’s eaten more than six wives to me!  He had Aragon with Tarragon, Boleyn he shoved it all in, Seymour he ate before Cleves with an assortment of leaves, Howard was floured and it was pretty much Parr for the final course!  Don’t know about you but it lookcourt of henry_viiis to me like he’s had more than one over the eight… Okay, thank you – you’ve been a wonderful audience!  Be sure to see my new comic parchment published by the Reformation Press – Caught Jesting – available at all good inns, apothecaries, priest holes, participating monasteries, treasonous assemblies and viper’s nests.  May your God go with you – even if you’re Catholic!’

“How dare he blaspheme against his ruler anointed by God!!!  But worse!  Another takes courage from his impudent example… That presumptuous soothsayer whose presence is indulged solely for his gift of foresight ventures that in the future half the population of the kingdom shall be just like me!  Such heracy!  Off with his head!!!”

The Doctor Will See You Now…

stanley_meets_livingstone“Dr Livingstone I presume?”

“Yes…”

“Great heaven’s man… where the hell have you been?!  A short sabbatical your receptionist said… just popped over to the Dark Continent… save a few souls amongst the natives and he’ll be back for the winter rush of consumption she said… have you any idea how hard it’s been finding you since that accursed woman insisted I needed your signature on my repeat prescription for Boots the Chemist?!”

No More Hair Hitler…

Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain - Heston Airfield 30 Sept 1938

Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain – Heston Aerodrome – 30 Sept 1938

“Gentlemen… This morning I had another talk with the German Chancellor, Herr Hitler, and here is the paper which bears his name upon it as well as mine.  After much tortuous negotiation we are agreed… I officially have the top Mo for last Movember.  This represents a triumph of tenacious diplomacy, common sense and of the stiff upper-lip of the British people.  Some of you, perhaps, have already heard what it contains but I would just like to read it to you…”

‘We, the German Führer and Chancellor, and the British Prime Minister, have had a further meeting today and are agreed.

‘We regard the agreement signed last night and the Anglo-German naval agreement as symbolic of the desire of our two peoples never to go to war with one another on issues of facial hair again.

‘We are resolved that the method of hirsute consultation shall be the method adopted to deal with any other questions that may concern our two countries and we are determined to continue our efforts to remove possible sources of difference and thus to contribute to assure the peace of Europe.  Although I must inform you that this does not stretch to mutual tolerance of the Mexican revolutionary Bandido; the inscrutable Chinese Fu Manchu; the foppish dilettantism of the American jazz Pencil; nor the Russian Bolshevik style – a point somewhat emphatically stressed by Herr Hitler: the Kaiser was not up for negotiation.’

Hitler’s Last Appearance…

Hitler and aide survey the Reich Chancellory  April 1945

Hitler and aide survey the destroyed Reich Chancellery – April 1945

“Verdammt!!!”

“What is it Mein Führer?!”

“It looks like it’s going to rain again…”

Kiss Me Hardy…

The Death Of Lord Nelson by Benjamin West

The Death Of Lord Nelson by Benjamin West

“May the Lord God curse you Hardy for taking advantage of my current state of infirmity… I’ve told you before Sah… No Tongues!  No Tongues!”

%d bloggers like this: