Archive for the ‘Satire’ Tag
“No?! I thought you’d set her up in her own flat in the West End?!”
“Also that little country cottage near Falmouth?”
“And didn’t you provide her with an American Express Platinum card with no upper limit?”
“Then there was that boutique nail bar she always wanted – oh, and those night club premises so she could, what was it… ‘follow her dream’?”
“Also that exclusive gym membership, the personal trainer, the charge account at Harrods, the new sports car, and of course – wasn’t there that little run around for her mother as well?”
“Oh, and didn’t you take her to Rome and Sydney… er, and New York and Las Vegas too?”
“Yeh, and Cape Town… all club class flights, all at top first class hotels, all in the last year…”
“Woooh… So what happened?!”
“She left me…”
“After all that?!”
“Yeh, and the rest…”
“Tip of the iceberg..”
“Yeh, all cashed in – or cashed out…”
“Wow… Did she say why?!”
“She went off with someone richer…”
“Just a post it note when I came back from a conference one evening…”
“Scheming little bitch!
“Out of the blue you say?”
“Yeh… I’d just given her a few thousand spending money the night before…”
“Jee-zus… All that… What on earth did you get out of it, fer chrissakes?!”
“A permanent hard-on for a year…”
“She was hot though, wasn’t she?”
“A total hottie…”
“Lovely girl deep down…”
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IT’S A WEATHER STATION ON YOUR WRIST!
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Do you secretly pine for the good old days of English football? When Sky was where you hoofed the ball? When your Full-Back left his stud marks on the Fancy Dan visiting forward in the first thirty seconds? When Names on the backs of shirts contained only one vowel? And the only Vanishing Spray was froth from the can of beer you threw into the visiting supporters?
Then you’ll love Neil Warnock’s Football Academy. Pithy (I said pithy Neil) comments on issues and tactics in the modern game from someone who’s been there and seen it and kicked it into row 37.
Neil on The Number Ten Role…
“What’s all this fookin’ crap about the number ten?! All those TV pundits sound like a load of bloody little girls talkin’ about One Direction! Fiddly-diddly player in the hole? Not for me! My number ten would be two number fives… two big centre-halves to ride shotgun for the big man up front. Lots of forty-yard balls into the box – three to aim for – luvly. Now that’s what you call proper bloody football!”
The new Singing section at Old Trafford may have caused controversy with its proposed relocation of some season ticket holders… however, it has already proved inspirational to Manchester United Manager David Moyes who has called for a Football playing section to be established…
“It’s amazin’ really how this idea got me thinking… ah mean there’s this green space right in front of oor eyes called a pitch that’s about ooh, 116 x 76 yards – so there’s lots aye room to start playin’ football… Büttner, Cleverley, Young, Nani, Smalling – oh and at least a dozen more: in fact you name ‘em and we could get rid of ‘em! I’m amazed Sr’Alex didnae try it ”
“Ach mein Gott! An intimate gathering I said… No pamphlets; no speeches; no elaborately staged conventions; no need to dress up…
“Simply a chance for a few like-minded Fascists to cultivate an air of superiority and chill for the weekend in Nuremberg… An opportunity to network and discuss world domination and all things Aryan over a few steins. Just place a card in a Munich beer hall window I said…
“Schweinhund!!! Damn Goebbels for putting it on Facebook!!!”
You Know You’re Getting Older when…
ONE) For the first time in your life you just have to give the girl on the till in the supermarket the exact money despite the long queue snaking around the store behind you.
TWO) You spend all day thinking about going out, where to go out, when to go out, what to go out for – but then don’t.
THREE) It feels as if a reactionary ventriloquist has assumed control and you start uttering vague, inconclusive phrases; value judgements and pronouncements to no one in particular along the lines of – Kids eh?! Back in my day. I remember when we used to get summers. Criminals weren’t so violent then.
FOUR) Beige, biscuit, grey, and off-white start to look like attractive options for clothing colours.
FIVE) You don’t bother to try and read this.
SIX) You buy clothes for comfort rather than with the other sex in mind.
SEVEN) You start to wonder what the top speed of a mobility scooter is and whether it’s really possible to pimp it up.
EIGHT) Despite the prehistoric design, the dodgy axle and the tartan trim a shopping trolley seems to be a sensible resolution to carrying all that heavy shopping after all.
NINE) a) You look around the street and realise there is strength in numbers. b) You’re not alone. c) You’re also invisible.
TEN) Those little catalogues of ‘useful’ gadgets that routinely fall out of newspaper supplements and magazines become interesting to read.
ELEVEN) Certain numbers are best ignored.