Archive for the ‘Satire’ Tag

Hitler – A Text From History

 Downcast Hitler

“Is there a problem Mein Führer?!”

“I don’t understand it! Why does no-one put LOL in their messages from the Russian Front anymore?!”

Men and Sex – A Price Worth Paying

Two Businessmen Drinking“You still going out with that Tiffany?”

“Nah…”

“No?!  I thought you’d set her up in her own flat in the West End?!”

“I did…”

“Also that little country cottage near Falmouth?”

“Yeh…”

“And didn’t you provide her with an American Express Platinum card with no upper limit?”

“That’s right…”

“Then there was that boutique nail bar she always wanted – oh, and those night club premises so she could, what was it… ‘follow her dream’?”

“Mmmm…”

Also that exclusive gym membership, the personal trainer, the charge account at Harrods, the new sports car, and of course – wasn’t there that little run around for her mother as well?”

“Sure was…”

“Oh, and didn’t you take her to Rome and Sydney… er, and New York and Las Vegas too?”

“Yeh, and Cape Town… all club class flights, all at top first class hotels, all in the last year…”

“Woooh… So what happened?!”

“She left me…”

“After all that?!”

“Yeh, and the rest…”

“There’s more?!”

“Tip of the iceberg..”

“All gone?!”

“Yeh, all cashed in – or cashed out…”

“Wow… Did she say why?!”

“She went off with someone richer…”

“No warning?”

“Just a post it note when I came back from a conference one evening…”

“Scheming little bitch!

“Yeh…”

Bloody hell!”

“I know…”

“Out of the blue you say?”

“Yeh… I’d just given her a few thousand spending money the night before…”

“Jee-zus… All that… What on earth did you get out of it, fer chrissakes?!”

“A permanent hard-on for a year…”

“Oh, right…”

“Exactly…”

“She was hot though, wasn’t she?”

“A total hottie…”

“Lovely girl deep down…”

“Yeh, lovely…”

 

 

 

 

The Executioner’s Song

two hangmen

MUSIC WHILE YOU JERK

“What do I listen to?  Oh, dance music mainly…

Yeh… I’m quite partial to a tune from Calvin Harris or Skrillex… one with a good ‘drop’…”

Black Friday – The Sequel

IT’S

BLACK AND BLUE MONDAY!

 

MISSED BLACK FRIDAY?

NO NEED TO FRET…

HERE’S YET ANOTHER NEVER TO BE REPEATED SALE.

"Gerrof!  They're mine!  I need one for Jaden's bedroom and the other one for the toilet... get your hands off my 42 inchers you *****!"

“Gerrof! They’re mine! I need one for Jaden’s bedroom and the other one for the toilet… get yer hands off me two 40 inchers you *****!”

100% Soul Out!   Greed Guaranteed!

"Madam PLEASE!  Must you behave like some Worshipping consumer goods while behavin' like - a contemptible base corporate sheep with all the manners of a deal-crazed hooligan?  You can pay me all the compliments you like, you jumped up little twat but that's my F****** TV and I ain't lettin' go of it for you or her terminally ill little brother either!!!"

“Madam PLEASE! Must you behave like some contemptibly base corporate sheep, worshipping consumer goods with all the manners of a brain dead, deal-crazed hooligan?! You can pay me all the compliments you like, you jumped up little twat but that’s my F****** TV and I ain’t lettin’ go of it for you, or her terminally ill little brother either!!!”

Zero Credit!   Dignity Free!

SHOP ‘TIL YOU DROP!

(any pretence)

The Portable Weather Station For Your Wrist!

Fircone

Picture posed by model but under genuine atmospheric conditions

IT’S A WEATHER STATION ON YOUR WRIST!

 

The FIRCONESMART WATCH (MARK ONE)™ ©

 

 

 

Are you sick of getting caught out by the weather?

Getting tired of switching TV channels – only to find Lucy Verasamy forecasts one thing on ITV – while Carol Kirkwood forecasts exactly the opposite on the BBC?

Then you need the new FIRCONESMART WATCH™ © from Whatever the Weather…

 

Benefit from two thousand years of folk wisdom!

Throw that rotten Apple away!

No more digital worries!

No battery life to worry about ever again!

The new FIRCONESMART WATCH™ © has our patented Intuitive Technologyno dials, no clicks, no fiddly buttons necessary…

Experience the two effective meteorological modes of fully functional integrated natural compliance.

The FIRCONE app is open – then the SUN IS OUT (High Pressure Mode)

The FIRCONE app is closed – then IT’S RAINING (Low Pressure Mode)

 

No more guessing whether to carry your umbrella!

No more stripping wet to your underwear!

No more embarrassing shiny face on a dull wet day – know just when to apply that sunscreen!

 

Fircones

Whatever the weather – we have a range of styles and shapes designed to satisfy!

Comes IN A RANGE OF SIZES AND SHAPES – complete with full operating instructions and strap of your choice.

The new FIRCONESMART WATCH™ © Exclusively available online at the offer price of ONLY £59.99 from Whatever the Weather!

JUST READ THE COMMENTS FROM OUR MANY SATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

 

“IT’S FIRCONE AMAZING!”

“IT’S LIKE HAVING A WEATHER GIRL STRAPPED TO YOUR WRIST.”

“THIS IS THE PERFECT ACCOMPANIMENT TO THE EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHES I’VE RECENTLY PURCHASED.”

“MY BACK IS SO MUCH BETTER NOW I DON’T HAVE TO CARRY THAT FULL-SIZE WEATHER STATION ANYMORE!”

 

The new FIRCONESMART WATCH™ © from Whatever the Weather – ONLY £59.99! 

 

 

Neil Warnock’s Football Academy

Do you secretly pine for the good old days of English football?  When Sky was where you hoofed the ball?  When your Full-Back left his stud marks on the Fancy Dan visiting forward in the first thirty seconds?  When Names on the backs of shirts contained only one vowel?  And the only Vanishing Spray was froth from the can of beer you threw into the visiting supporters?

"So you get right up to the visiting centre-half 'till you can see the whites of his eyes, check the ref's not lookin' - then you nut him."

“So you get right up to the visiting centre-half ’til you can see the whites of his eyes, check the ref’s not lookin’ – then you nut him.”

Then you’ll love Neil Warnock’s Football Academy.  Pithy (I said pithy Neil) comments on issues and tactics in the modern game from someone who’s been there and seen it and kicked it into row 37.

"It's all in 'ere son!  Big balls - that's what!"

“It’s all in ‘ere son! Big balls – that’s what!”

Neil on The Number Ten Role…

“What’s all this fookin’ crap about the number ten?!  All those TV pundits sound like a load of bloody little girls talkin’ about One Direction!  Fiddly-diddly player in the hole?  Not for me!  My number ten would be two number fives… two big centre-halves to ride shotgun for the big man up front.  Lots of forty-yard balls into the box – three to aim for – luvly.  Now that’s what you call proper bloody football!”

Ya-Ya-Ya-Ya Tou-re; Ya-Ya-Ya-Ya Tou-re…

YayaToure“It’s just not fair… I wanted sweets… not tweets and at Barca they gave me candles and everything!”

Sing When Your Winning…

old-trafford The new Singing section at Old Trafford may have caused controversy with its proposed relocation of some season ticket holders… however, it has already proved inspirational to Manchester United Manager David Moyes who has called for a Football playing section to be established…

 

David Moyes“It’s amazin’ really how this idea got me thinking… ah mean there’s this green space right in front of oor eyes called a pitch that’s about ooh, 116 x 76 yards – so there’s lots aye room to start playin’ football… Büttner, Cleverley, Young, Nani, Smalling – oh and at least a dozen more: in fact you name ‘em and we could get rid of ‘em!  I’m amazed Sr’Alex didnae try it  ”

It’s My (Nazi) Party…

Hitler going up steps

“Ach mein Gott!  An intimate gathering I saidNo pamphlets; no speeches; no elaborately staged conventions; no need to dress up…

“Simply a chance for a few like-minded Fascists to cultivate an air of superiority and chill for the weekend in Nuremberg… An opportunity to network and discuss world domination and all things Aryan over a few steins.  Just place a card in a Munich beer hall window I said

“Schweinhund!!!  Damn Goebbels for putting it on Facebook!!!”

 

 

Ten Reasons You Know You’re Getting Older

You Know You’re Getting Older when

warmslippers

ONE) For the first time in your life you just have to give the girl on the till in the supermarket the exact money despite the long queue snaking around the store behind you.

 

TWO) You spend all day thinking about going out, where to go out, when to gTartan-Rugo out, what to go out for – but then don’t.

 

THREE) It feels as if a reactionary ventriloquist has assumed control and you start uttering vague, inconclusive phrases; value judgements and pronouncements to no one in particular along the lines of – Kids eh?!  Back in my day.  I remember when we used to get summers.  Criminals weren’t so violent then.

 

chums_co_uk

FOUR) Beige, biscuit, grey, and off-white start to look like attractive options for clothing colours.

 

FIVE) You don’t bother to try and read this.

 

SIX) You buy clothes for comfort rather than with the other sex in mind.

 

mobility-scooter

SEVEN) You start to wonder what the top speed of a mobility scooter is and whether it’s really possible to pimp it up.

 

ShoppingTrolley

EIGHT) Despite the prehistoric design, the dodgy axle and the tartan trim a shopping trolley seems to be a sensible resolution to carrying all that heavy shopping after all.

 

NINE) a) You look around the street and realise there is strength in numbers.  b) You’re not alone.  c) You’re also invisInnovations catalogueible.

 

TEN) Those little catalogues of ‘useful’ gadgets that routinely fall out of newspaper supplements and magazines become interesting to read.

 

ELEVEN) Certain numbers are best ignored.

 

Thermos flask

MMMM… Convenience Plus Tartan!

 

%d bloggers like this: