Archive for the ‘Conversation’ Tag

Mavis And Ted *8*

 Mavis & Ted

Unfathomably Deep…


“You can see the sea from here…”

“Of course you can Ted!”

“No! I mean you can really see the sea!”

“Er… yeh… I see what you mean.”

“You do?”

“Sort of…”

“Deep and unfathomable…”


“The dark heart of an awesome primeval power…”

“You okay Ted?”

“If I was to go down the end of the pier and pee in it, then that would really be a drop in the ocean!”

“You have the fishcakes at lunch Ted?”


“You silly man, you know what greasy sea food does to your equilibrium”

“Doesn’t do much for my Irritable Bowel Syndrome either…”

“Deep and unfathomable?”

“More like awesome primeval power!”

“Oh dear…”


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Mavis And Ted *7*

 Mavis & Ted

Old Film…


“What you thinkin’ Ted?”

“Eh? Wot?”

“I said… what you thinkin’ Ted?”

“Oh, just that when I was young I used to see life in technicolour… now it’s all grainy black and white…”

“Yeh, I know what you mean… everythin’ in life’s a bit like a foreign film these days… reality TV, internet shoppin’, same sex marriage; girls wiv tattoos…”

“What girl in the news?”

“I said… girls wiv tattoos!”

“She got married in some foreign film you say?”


That girl in the news…”

“I wish life was a foreign film sometimes…”


“Coz they got ruddy subtitles… that’s why!!”

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Mavis And Ted *6*

Mavis & Ted

Junk In The Trunk…




“Do you still love me Ted?”


“I said, do you still love me Ted?”

“Er, yeh… of course… yeh…”

“Same as when we first met?”

“Same as when we first met…”

“As deep as the deep blue sea?”


“As deep as the deep blue sea?”

“As deep as the deep blue sea…”

“More and more each day?”

“More and more each day…”

“With every beat of your heart?”

“Yeh, with every beat of my heart…”





“Do you still fancy me though?”

“Yeh, I still fancy you…”

“Have I still got it?”

“You’ve still got it…”

“How about the junk in my trunk?”

“You been hangin’ around them kids at that burger bar on the front again?!”

“In all the right places?”

“Yeh, in all the right places… mind you, there are places on your places now…”

“What was that Ted?”

“In all the right places…”



“So I’m still your girl then?”

“You’re still my girl…”

“All the fun of the fair?”

“All the fun of the fair…”

“Forever and ever?”

“Forever and ever…”













Mavis And Ted *5*

Mavis & Ted

Magnum Force…


“Good grief Ted!”

“What?  What’s up?!”

You… have you finished that ice cream you bought already!?”

“Yeh… well?”

“You’ll have indigestion again you greedy guts and you know who’ll be kept awake all night don’t you?  I’ve barely had the chance to lick me cornet!”

“Er, sorry Mavis, but you know I always eat quickly when I’m stressed.”

“The sky’s blue, the sea’s calm and we’re havin’ a luvly time watchin’ the world go by… so what on earth would you be stressed about?”

“It was the guy in the ice cream van…”

“You got your ice cream alright, didn’t ya?”


“What was it?”

“A Magnum.”

“Your favourite… so I don’t see…”

“Well, when I asked the guy in the van for it he goes to me… ‘Do you feel lucky punk?  Do you?’  I said at my age I’m lucky to feel anything…”

“Then what’d say?”

“He then says… ‘How old are you granddad?’”

“What did you say Ted?”

“Seventy-three!  What do you think I said!”

“No need to take it out on me!”

“Sorry gal… I’m a bit upset… see – I’m tremblin’…”

“So you are Ted… then what did he say?”

“He goes… ‘1973 – that’s the year when the film came out so you are lucky – you punk.’”

“What’d he mean by that?”

“Well, he goes on to tell me he’s a big Clint Eastwood fan and he watches all his movies on his i-pad apple thingy in the cab between being disturbed at the best bits by havin’ to serve old gits like me with no teeth – ice-cream!”

“I tells him… I’m no ruddy punk and he says…”

“What’d he say?!”

“Only that I looks more like Clyde the ruddy gorilla in Every which way but loose – cheeky young sod!”

“Too right Ted – If me memory ain’t playin’ tricks though, it was of them Orang-utans…”

“Does it matter?!”

“Sorry, what’d you do Ted?”

“I says – I may be old but I’m mainly good… but I can be bad so you’d better watch out!  Then I says… sometimes it’s been known for me to be downright ugly!”

“Ooh, what’d he say to that?”

“Not a lot… by then I’d tipped his rack of cornets any which way I could, squirted his raspberry juice on his Bronco Billy and shoved some of his 99 flakes right up his Eiger Sanction!”

“Oooooh Ted!  Play misty for me tonight?!”

“Only if me indigestion ain’t playin’ up.  Yer right, I did put that Magnum down me throat with too much force…”





Mavis And Ted *4*

Mavis & Ted

Weather Girls…


Aaah, that’s better… weight off me feet, a bit of sun and we’ve beat the Bank Holiday rush.”

“Yeh –  it was a good idea to come a few days early.”

“Nice to get away from all the stress…”


Aaah; just smell that sea air…”


“Weather looks set fair… at least according to Carol on that BBC Breakfast.”

Only until Sunday.”

“High pressure in charge she said… a bit of cloud driftin’ in from the Continent but temperatures above average for the time of year…”

“That’s not what Kirsty said on Channel Five…”

“What does she know?!  This was Carol on the BBC… nice lady… always laughing…”

“Listen; they all get the same weather information.”

“Why is it always different then?!”

“It’s a question of interpretation – I expect Kirsty and Sian are more up to date with them satellites than your Carol…”

“Sensationalism – that’s all you’ll get from that channel!  Anyway… they’re weather girls… Carol’s experienced – she’s been forecastin’ for years!”

“Weather woman? – Weather girl? – I’ll have you know Kirsty’s had two babies…”

“Well, unless they were baby satellites I don’t see your point.”

“Meteorological Bureau’s near Reading – right?”


“Channel Five is in London… “


 “The BBC has moved to ruddy Salford so I doubt if Carol commutes on a daily basis!”

“I don’t blame ‘er… I went there once – didn’t like it…”

“I never knew you’d been to the Meteorological Bureau?!”

No… Reading!  It’s a bit like London – only smaller.  Too many people for me…”

“I expect the Meteorological Bureau’s the same.”

“What – small?”

“No too many people – just look at all the weather girls that are on all the channels…”

“I see what you mean… I’ll bet the corridors are full of these young women with big hair, bodycon dresses and high heels – don’t you Ted?”



“Er; yeh…”

“So Kirsty’s your favourite?”

“Not likely – I prefer that wots ‘er name – Lucy Verysamey on ITV; you know… the one who used to be on Daybreak…”

“I know who you mean… she’s very samey alright – all seductive shoulder, spray tan, tight blouses, pert breasts and pout: don’t think I haven’t seen you lookin’!”

Yeh… doesn’t matter what the weather is when she’s on…”

“You don’t look at me like that anymore.”

“Cold front, lingering depression and too many isobars…”

“What’d you say Ted?”

“Er; nuthin’…”

“Don’t you go all Michael Fish on me and deny it!”

“I said it’s cold on the front so let’s enjoy it while it lasts up here behind the bars.”

Hmmmyeh… that’s what I thought you said.”

Mavis And Ted *3*

Mavis & Ted

First Love…


Oh Ted… it’s wonderful to be back again.”


“To think it was 1963 when we first came here!”


“Our first time away together… our first ever holiday…”


“My Mum was against it – she told me I could do better – do you remember?”

Oh yes…”

“I remember Dad wanted to chaperone but we made it clear we’d be staying in separate rooms and getting married later that year.”

“My Dad was glad to get rid of me for a week.”

“Funny isn’t it… how times change?  Especially when you see what the kids get up to on the beach now… all those girls with next to nothing on throwing themselves at the boys… it’s terrible.”


“We stayed in that little B&B off the front next to those lovely gardens.”

“The one next to the pub.”

“The landlady was lovely.”

“Her daughter was up for it.”

“She did gorgeous cream teas.”

“The local beer was great.”

“I got so full I felt sick!”

“I got so drunk I was sick!”

“I had to go and walk it off on the beach.”

“She wanted me to meet her by the pier.”

“A good constitutional does the world of good – as Dad used to say.”

“She asked me to run away with her.”

“At least we never broke that promise to Dad.”

“I… I just couldn’t.”

“Mum and Dad had their doubts about our feelings… thought I didn’t really love you… an ‘infatuation’ Mum called it… she wondered whether what we had would last…”

“It was love at first sight.”

“I guess we kind of grew into each other so to speak…”

“Never saw her again.”

“We’re living proof that – given time – affection can grow into something else.”

“She had the most beautiful blue eyes…”

“We’ve always been steady though haven’t we?”

“I can still see them now…”

“We’ve had a wonderful fifty-odd years.”

“It’s been a long time.”

“Wish I could find the photos I took by the pier… me in that dogs tooth two-piece – you in your leather jacket.”

“She wrote to me for six months.”

“Never find them now…”

“I threw her letters away ten years ago…”

“Must have lost them in the move…”

“If only…”

“Still… No regrets – eh Ted?”


“I said – no regrets?”

“Me?! Of course not…”



“You want a ninety-nine?

“Hmmm… That’d be nice.”

“Two flakes?”

“Yeh… You know me…

“I should do by now!”

Mavis And Ted *2*

Mavis & Ted

Donkey Kick…


“Your mother never liked me…”

“What on earth makes you say that now?!”

“There’s a donkey on the beach that just kicked its owner where it hurts then trod on a sparrow…”

Mavis And Ted *

Mavis & Ted

Yellow Bikini…


“What are you looking at Mavis?”

“That girl there… down on the front in the yellow bikini… She’s very pretty…”


Beautiful blonde hair…”


“She’s got a lovely figure…”


“A perfect 36-24-36 I’d say; just like mine used to be… eh, Ted?”


“I said 36-24-36!  Just like mine used to be!”



“Sorry dear – but it’s a bit like when you find an old phone number… you know it was important once – but I’ll be damned if I can remember why!”

The Killing Floor (8)


“What’s that all over your desk?”

“What does it look like?!”

“Well… Liquorice allsorts er; obviously…”

“Literal and correct – as always… you never disappoint.”

“Okay, where’s this going exactly?”

“Ah; I’m just reminiscing – that’s all.”

“Never had you down as someone who was remotely sentimental – let alone a sweets kind of person.  Always the next deal: coffee; more than the odd cigarette… oh; and plenty of booze after work of course – but sweets?  Nah…”

“These represent a turning point in my life if you must know.”

“What… remembering when you first ate them as a kid?”

No… first day on this job I was given a lesson in economics at a nearby bar by the late, great Marcus Cousins – dealer extraordinaire and all-round great white shark in the murkiest of waters.  Biggest there was in his day.  And it just so happened that in imparting his considerable wisdom he used a bag of Liquorice allsorts.”


“They were to hand… he stole them from a kid on his way to work… the corner shop was fresh out of Jelly babies… How the hell should I know?!”

“Hang on… Cousins?  Bit before my time – I was still at Uni deciding what my career options were…. but wasn’t he responsible for that insider dealing scandal?  If I remember he nearly brought down a Tory Minister and a couple of blue chip companies…”

“He did… shafted them all – and the Minister’s wife for good measure…”

“Classy guy then?”

“Like I say the late, great…”

Right… fled to some Pacific island dictatorship with no extradition treaty and oodles of other people’s cash.  A real crook by all accounts.  Let me guess… What did he see in you?”

“Natural talent…”

“So he taught you everything he knew with his bag of Liquorice allsorts?”

“Not quite taught… I didn’t need that much…”

“Of course not – silly me: as if?”

“He mentored me if you must know… you’ll understand that given all those corporate bonding exercises you insist upon going on – he pointed me in the right direction.”

“A life of crime?”

No… he knew a great dealer in the making…”

“So much so that he offered you his bag of Liquorice allsorts?  Didn’t your mother warn you about sharks offering sweets?”

“Just have a sweet and shut up will you?”

Oooh yes – I’ll have one of those… Mmmm that’s good; though they’ve gone a bit soft under all these strip lights… aaahmmmm…. alright; put me out of my misery and tell me what he taught you… mmm….”

“When you’ve quite finished?”

“Oh er; sorry… this one’s stuck all over my teeth… sorry… carry on; ahem…”

“Okay… Let me see if I can remember it all near enough… like I say it was a long time ago now – a different world… Each one of these sweets represents a deal.”

“Okay got that… mind if I have another one?  Mmmm lovely… So what about this one the solid round liquorice?”

“That’s a basic commodity deal – What You See Is What You Get.”

“Er… What about the round liquorice one with the white centre?”

WYSIWYG is true – but not always: sometimes there is hidden leverage to be had in the deal or another to be struck.”

“It’s good this – I’m beginning to get the drift – so how about the sandwich?”

“A complex deal on more than one level so take care you don’t get caught in the middle.”

“The multi-sandwich?”

“An extremely complex deal on a whole number of levels – but with the subtlest rewards like the flavour of this one in the bag.”

Okay… this is fun!  The round coloured coconut one with a liquorice centre?”

“Beware of some deals… they’re surrounded by so much hype and PR that it’s a while before you can get to the core of the matter.”

Mmmm… I like coconut.”

You would…”

“Okay; so what about these – the aniseedy, chewy ones with the scores of little nobbly bits on them; you don’t get many of them in a pack.”

“Precisely… some deals are very rare – especially where you can make hundreds of thousands on them.”

“The Bertie Bassett?”

“Never had them in the pack back then but if I had to hazard a guess – they’d represent the  financial regulator: never needed them; never wanted them – never asked for them.”

“And the special red Bertie?”

“Oh I don’t know – the financial regulator with the scent of foul play in his nostrils and the government of the day up his arse?!”

“Are the different colours relevant?  After all there’s pink and yellow for the coconut ones and those chewy aniseed drops come in blue and pink… and…”

“Only in as much as deals come in all shapes and sizes I suppose… ”


“What’d you expect – pink for the girls and blue for the boys?”

“No… just that it would have made it more interesting if…”

“Look!  They’re a metaphor – not a bloody handbook!”

“I just thought that…”

“Well don’t!”

“Alright, if each one represents something – is a metaphor like you say – then what about the pack as a whole?”

“A warning for being too greedy maybe?”


“By wanting it all too quickly…”

Mmmm… mind if I have that last coconut one?”

“Go ahead… eat as many as you like… yeh; that’s it…”


“The metaphor for the whole bag… No one can have it all – if you try and do all the deals at the same time you’ll end up with a nasty taste in your mouth and equally nasty stains in your trousers.”

“Still like to know what the man himself thought… Anyway – I’m off…”

“Coffee run?  I’ll have an Ethiopian – three shots as usual…”

“No!  I’m going the other way… there’s a 24-seven on the corner by the Tube… you’ve actually inspired me for once – I’m going to get some Haribo mixed and see if I can’t bring this up to date in time for that team building weekend in the Lake District.”

Sweet Jesus… It takes all sorts…”

The Killing Floor (7)


“Thanks Charlie!  That’s right – no more blanks!  Damn it man – of course it was me!  I always get there in the end… Ha! Ha!  Yes, we simply must… once all the hoo-hah has died down a bit.  I know; that’s the trouble – she who must be conveyed is here already… but Trish needs her so what can you do, eh?  That’s right we really must catch up some time… and James if he’s available?  What about Kelvin?  Too busy?  What Kelvin?!  As if!  Okay speak to you soon… love to Anna and the girls… right; I’ll try not to.  Ha! Ha!  Cheers then matey.  Right you are…. Bye!  Phew…”

“You alright?”

“Me?  Oh yes… I’m great… I guess… Just trying to get my head around it…”

“Around what?!”

“It’s finally happened!”

“What has?”

“The big one…”

“You mean you’ve finally made a deal that hasn’t unravelled or needed rescuing by yours truly?”

“No… We’ve conceived… Me and Trish – well, she has!”

“Good grief.”

“Tested yesterday…”


“Confirmed by the doctor today…”


“She just rang me from Harley Street.”

Hell… That’s it then.”

“We’ve been trying for ages and…”

“All over – capiche?”

“Trish is ecstatic: she’s talking about names already!”

“Mr Dead End that’s a good one.”

“What?  Oh, hey John thanks.. yeh, that’s right – who’d have thought it?  Cheers!  And you!”

“Welcome to Kaputsville…”

“So long as it’s healthy I’m not really bothered…”

“The career care home…”

“Should start thinking of putting its name down for schools and… hey hang on a minute… what on earth are you on about?!”

“Just as well clear your desk now before upstairs asks you to.”

“What?!  Everyone else is pleased… but I should have guessed it’s too much for you…”

“Let ‘em… they can goo-goo and ga-ga all they like – and after waving pleasantries at John double-barrelled bullshit over there I’d check my wallet, my watch and my brain cells – I’m your only friend in all this – I’m telling you like it is… you should listen.”

“To what?!”

“Last guy to get pregnant – yeh?  They sacked him within a week.”


“Gavin …”

“Maybe they did – but what’s that got to do with his wife being pregnant?  He had the most persistent coffee-breath I’ve ever known – so much so they christened him Gav-the-gag.  He had a personality disorder – that stood out like a socialist plumber in a Bank of England lavatory during a monetary policy meeting – which incidentally he told the nation all about in great detail on his unauthorised guest appearance on The Jeremy Kyle Show… and that was all apart from being caught openly manipulating interest rates: an offence that when he was confronted with by his department head – he told him he was screwing his wife on the side and he was doing that because she had no interest in their marriage and rated him about three out of ten between the sheets…”

“Ah yeh… but he only did that because he had a kid…”

“Jeez… I give up.”

“Listen to me… get a kid and you go soft… I’ve seen it all before… the risk element leaves as quickly as a paid PR.  You lose your balls… they shrink in inverse proportion to all that touchy-feely – real man – this is what’s truly important -hearts and flowers – run through the sand together stuff.  You’ve been emptying more than them out on her cycle and remember – she owns the saddle!  You’ve been blowing your career as you’ve been blowin’ your load.   You’ll be in with the foot soldiers next – the bloody woodentops in corporate or business banking… MY GOD!…”

“What’s up?!”

“ For a fleeting moment I had a vision of you dealing with SME’s.  OH NOIt can’t be!

“What now?!”

“They’ve only gone and sent you back to training to work on the bloody high street!”

“I said to Trish this morning – if it’s a positive just give him ten minutes and he’ll drag me down to his level straight away.  You’re just… just… perverse…”

“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger!  Making money is what’s important – you’ll go fiscally flabby in a few months: this place will be like a crèche for the common good; it’ll be all about the sprog’s future clouding your judgement when what is important is the deal – NOW!  Oh; and instead of the lovely rich odour of business and accumulating dosh – the only smell will be of sour milk from the puke stains on your shirts.”

“You just carry on with the hard currency man act – I’m not convinced… ok?”



“Hey; come on… let’s celebrate with a coffee… an Ethiopian, yeh?  And how about I get them to put in an extra shot?  It is good news you know… Come on – what d’ you say?”

“I say forget it – the only drink I need kills sperm on contact and comes with a grown up age on the bottle.  And the only good news around has just been flagged up on my screen as another of my babies reaches maturity so – if you’ll excuse me – just head that pushchair in the direction of all those soft mums-to-be over there will you?”

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