Archive for the ‘Candice & Tegan’ Category

Candice & Tegan Two


Candice:  “Oh – My – God!”

Tegan:  “Wot?  Wot is it?!”

Candice:  “Over there!  Outside Nandos…”

Tegan:  “Where?!”

Candice:  “By the menu… like checkin’ it out…”

Tegan:  “Who?”

Candice:  “The old guy… the one in the chinos and jacket.”

Tegan:  “Oh yeh… he must be like – thirty five or summat?”

Candice:  “He’s so forty!”

Tegan:  “Ancient.”

Candice:  “Totally.”

Tegan:  “Who is he?”

Candice:  “I told you… he was my boss when I had that Saturday job at the HealthStore…”

Tegan:  “The one…”

Candice:  “Yeh… with the totally amazin’ body.”

Tegan:  “He’s like – forty though!”

Candice:  “Duuh… I know – but he was still fit though… look… he used to go to the gym all the time and drink protein shakes and take supplements and things like all the time when he wasn’t goin’ to the gym…”

Tegan:  “That’s just – like weird…”

Candice:  “I know… I’m not bein’ funny or anythin’ but at that age he could go down wiv a heart attack like any when…”

Tegan:  “Yeh… but wasn’t he the one?”

Candice:  “Yeh… who forced me to leave…”

Tegan:  “What did he do?!”

Candice:   “Well you know you’re my BF; my joined at the hip – my share all from the lip… don’t ya?”

Tegan:   “Of course – you’re my BF and my sister; we’re tight; we’re solid.”

Candice:  “You know I tell you like – everythin’?”

Tegan:   “Yeh…”

Candice:  “Well… I haven’t told you this…”

Tegan:  “Oh… Deece – wot is it?  Wot did he do?”

Candice:   “It was a coupla months ago… it was five and the shop was gettin’ ready to close and he calls me to the manager’s office and…”

Tegan:  “That’s alright… take your time… it must have been ‘orrible…”

Candice:  “It was…”

Tegan:  “Really like – upsettin’ for you not to tell your bestie…”

Candice:  “Yeh…”

Tegan:  “For you to keep it inside for two whole months…”

Candice:  “Just awful…”

Tegan:  “Yeh…”

Candice:  “Yeh…”

Tegan:  “So what did he do?!”

Candice:  “Oh sorry…. he tells me to sit down and he sits on the desk in front of me – his shirt was too small wiv all that body buildin’ and his pecs were showin’ – then he leans forward…”

Tegan:  “Yeh?”

Candice:  “Then he says…”

Tegan:  “Wot?  Wot was it?!”

Candice:  “He says… I’m the most insincere, intransigent, incompetent, in-sou-see-ant – whatever that means – er – and lazy girl he’d ever employed… and that he has to let me go!”

Tegan:  “He didn’t?!”

Candice:  “He did!”

Tegan:  “In-sou-see-ant?”

Candice:  “Yeh!”

Tegan:  “OMG…what does it mean?!”

Candice:  “I dunno – but I bet it’s disgustin…”

Tegan:  “Sor-did.”

Candice:  “Then – he says – I was verbally incontinent to the customers…”

Tegan“No shit!”

Candice:  “I was like – so in shock…”

Tegan:  “He should be in traction.”

Candice:  “In prison!”

Tegan:  “Yeh!  In the special wing…”

Candice:  “Yeh… like the dirty pervert he is!”

Tegan:  “Dirty pervert…”

Candice:  “All the time he was – you know – lookin’ at me like that…”

Tegan:   “Dirty…”

Candice:  “Yeh… like Savile…”

Tegan:   “Yeh… he’s got the moves like Savile.”

Candice:  “Dir-ty…”

Tegan:  “Dirty.”

Candice:  “Fit though.”

Tegan:   “Yeh…”

Candice:  “For forty.”

Tegan:  “Yeh…”



Candice & Tegan


Candice:  “And I’m like – I says to her… I like him: I mean, I really like him… I like him a lot – but I’m like… I just don’t like him in that way – I just like him… and do you know what?”

Tegan:  “Wot?”

Candice:  “That bitch looked straight through me like I was stupid – or summat.  I’m like Duuh!  And also I’m like as well – how dare you!  What are you inferrin’ – lookin’ at me like that?”

Tegan:  “Silly cow obviously doesn’t understand plain English!”

Candice:  “I know!  I mean I’m not bein’ funny or anythin’ but I’m like… I am so going to slap you if you don’t go in a minute bitch!”

Tegan:   “You didn’t?  Did you?!”

Candice:  “Well… she’s just stood standin’ in front of me with that gormless look on ‘er face and I’ve like flipped… I’m just so ballistic… I’m like so red in the face – I swear I must have looked like I’ve put blusher on like I’ve had a fit or summat?”

Tegan:  “I so wish I’d been there to see it…”


Tegan:   “I’d have so loved to see you put your handprint on that face…”

Candice:  “Yeh…”

Tegan:  “She’s just like Carla says – all feral…”

Candice:  “Yeh, I…”

Tegan:  “She didn’t bite you did she?!”


Tegan:  “Coz if she did you’d like so have to get a jab…”

Candice“Well, she…”

Tegan:  “Coz Carla said that when she kissed Rob Cartwright upstairs in The Tiger Lounge on the High Street she was foamin’ at the mouth!”

Candice:  “No, she…”

Tegan:  “Though afterwards Carla said it could have been like her love spit – or a cocktail shot – or a trick of the new lights…”

Candice:  “No… she left!”

Tegan:  “That’s what Carla said…  Rob Cartwright was like so embarrassed bein’ seen kissin’ her that he…”

Candice“No… when I said I’d slap her…”

Tegan:  “What you didn’t!”

Candice:  “No… she left!”

Tegan:  “Oh… right…”

Candice:  “Yeh…”

Tegan:  “Oh…”

Candice:  “Yeh…”

Tegan:  “ Oh… I bet though when she left the bitch was like so brickin’ it!  I bet she looked like – all feral then!  If she’d turned round she was probably foamin’ at the mouth too!!”

Candice:  “Yeh!!!  Bitch!”

Tegan:  “Bitch!”


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