Archive for the ‘Shopping’ Tag

The Portable Weather Station For Your Wrist!

Fircone

Picture posed by model but under genuine atmospheric conditions

IT’S A WEATHER STATION ON YOUR WRIST!

 

The FIRCONESMART WATCH (MARK ONE)™ ©

 

 

 

Are you sick of getting caught out by the weather?

Getting tired of switching TV channels – only to find Lucy Verasamy forecasts one thing on ITV – while Carol Kirkwood forecasts exactly the opposite on the BBC?

Then you need the new FIRCONESMART WATCH™ © from Whatever the Weather…

 

Benefit from two thousand years of folk wisdom!

Throw that rotten Apple away!

No more digital worries!

No battery life to worry about ever again!

The new FIRCONESMART WATCH™ © has our patented Intuitive Technologyno dials, no clicks, no fiddly buttons necessary…

Experience the two effective meteorological modes of fully functional integrated natural compliance.

The FIRCONE app is open – then the SUN IS OUT (High Pressure Mode)

The FIRCONE app is closed – then IT’S RAINING (Low Pressure Mode)

 

No more guessing whether to carry your umbrella!

No more stripping wet to your underwear!

No more embarrassing shiny face on a dull wet day – know just when to apply that sunscreen!

 

Fircones

Whatever the weather – we have a range of styles and shapes designed to satisfy!

Comes IN A RANGE OF SIZES AND SHAPES – complete with full operating instructions and strap of your choice.

The new FIRCONESMART WATCH™ © Exclusively available online at the offer price of ONLY £59.99 from Whatever the Weather!

JUST READ THE COMMENTS FROM OUR MANY SATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

 

“IT’S FIRCONE AMAZING!”

“IT’S LIKE HAVING A WEATHER GIRL STRAPPED TO YOUR WRIST.”

“THIS IS THE PERFECT ACCOMPANIMENT TO THE EMPEROR’S NEW CLOTHES I’VE RECENTLY PURCHASED.”

“MY BACK IS SO MUCH BETTER NOW I DON’T HAVE TO CARRY THAT FULL-SIZE WEATHER STATION ANYMORE!”

 

The new FIRCONESMART WATCH™ © from Whatever the Weather – ONLY £59.99! 

 

 

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Supermarket Creep…

Checkout-girlsBleep… Bleep… Bleep…

“Did you know that this one’s part of our three-for-two offers sir?”

“If you want the extra one free I could get one of my colleagues to fetch it while I scan the rest of your shopping?”

Bleep

“I understand that you only want the two but I’m afraid it’s not on buy-one-get-one-free this week.”

“I’m sorry… but three-for-two offers will only qualify you for regular points on your Clubcard.”OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Thanks Maria … there we are sir… your three-for-two…”

Bleep

“Yes  – that is a double points voucher you have; I can see that but as I say – you can’t use it in conjunction with this offer.”

“Let me check that for you… let me see now; yes, you’re right – you have one more use of this voucher available before the end of June.”

“That’s true… leaving out the three-for-two offer you could get double points on the rest of your shopping – normally

Bleep

“But unfortunately it’s not possible to do that today sir.”

Bleep

“Why?  Well… because today is a special points event.”

Bleep

“Yes that’s right – Today is special points day…”

“You’ll only get special points if you spend a certain amount – but no; you can’t double them with the voucher to put on your Clubcard.”Supermarket trolleys

Bleep

“On special points day you’ll get quadruple points – so it’s worth doing… ”

“That’s it twenty-five pounds in one shop to qualify sir.”

Bleep

“That’s right – we have special points day on the last day of every month.”

“Sorry sir – on special points day you’ll only get regular points on your items if you don’t spend twenty-five pounds in one shop.”

BleepBleep

“That’s twenty-four pounds and ninety-seven pence please sir…”

“I beg your pardon?!”

“Sorry sir… I don’t think that I could insert the club card there as I’m pretty sure it would invalidate the magnetic strip…. Here you are – your chansupermarket-checkoutge, your receipt, your double points voucher returned and your Clubcard… and I don’t think it would be a comfortable fit there either sir!  Quite apart from the fact that it would make all your data irretrievable.  I can assure you that if I could manage to push it right up where you suggest I would be a gymnast and in with a chance with that gorgeous Louis Smith – not working here on this checkout talking to you.  You might consider it acceptable to lose it all together sir but…. And you sir – have a good day…

Bleep… Bleep… Bleep… Bleep…

“Good Morning Madam – did you know you can get three-for-two on this item in our special offers today?

“That’s correct madam – it’s also special points promotion day.”

BleepBleep…

“I know – it’s unbelievable that it’s the first of July tomorrow…. where has half the summer gone already?!  And the weather’s been awful.  Yes I know… it’ll soon be Christmas!”

Bleep

“I Am Eighty-Two You Know”

parked mobility-scootersHilda:  “… and he walks right out in front of me; and then – he says it’s my fault!  I said excuse me dear but I am eighty-two you know and …”

Win:  “Yoo-Hoo!  Hilda!  Yoo-Hoo!”

Hilda:  “What?  Win?  Is that you?   Er… Sorry darlin’ I’ll have to let you know what happened next time I see you, Ok?  Bye.  Bye.  Now Win – what on earth are you doin’?”

Win:   “Ooh… I can’t quite… oh damn… I can’t get it up on the pavement… oh youyou… Oh, thank the lord – I’m up!  Damn that kerb!

Hilda:  “Steady Win you’ll blow a gasket.  You know what the doctor said… What you’ve got to do is give it some gun to get it over the kerb – then straighten it up… if you can try to do that without scraping my paint work dear I would be most grateful.”

Win:  “Ooh; that’s got it.  Ooh a little bump… Sorry Hilda but you’re so much better at manoeuvrin’ these things than me…”

Hilda:  “Yes I know I am Win but you’ve had a lot more practice than me.  Guess I’m like that Lewis Hamilton – a natural.  He should drop that Shirtwringer and give me a go!  I’d tell him – I’d get your pole into position Lewis even though I am eighty-two you know….”

Win:  “Sorry Hilda but I just can’t seem to get it right: don’t think I’ve got your co-ordination.  I’ve had this thing for years but I still can’t quite get the hang of it.  I know I’m a spring chicken compared to you but I just can’t seem to… never mind these things are sent to try us after all.”

Hilda:  “Yes you are.  Anyway enough about that – you’re here now… so what did you want?”

Win:  “Ooh I’ve forgotten what wiv tryin’ to get this machine parked up.  Ooh… I keep picturin’ you and that Lewis.  He is a bit of all right though.  Maybe he could introduce me to that Jenson Button…  Hey, we could double date!  At least I’d have someone to park this damn thing!  Anyhow what was I gonna say?  Let me think… has someone died?  No; that’s not it… it’ll come to me in a minute.”

Hilda:  “I might not have that long left at my age.”

Win:  “Ooh don’t tempt fate like that… Jim Barton; you know him; he’s big and fat and bald and wears that Fairisle cardigan wiv’ the unexplained stain on the front – lives in the sheltered housin’ on the corner of the estate – he says to his wife one night… he said: ‘I might not be here in the mornin’ when you wake up’ – and he wasn’t!  Mind you, he hadn’t died or anythin’ – he’d got the early bus to Asda: didn’t stop his wife panickin’ though…”

Hilda:  “It’s him!”

Win:  “What – Jim Barton?  Has he got that cardigan on still?  I swear he never takes it off… I wonder exactly what that is on the front?”

Hilda:  “No!  Not him… over the road – outside Tesco: the one with his hands in his pockets.  That was the little sod who threw chips at me outside the Chinese the other night when I drove past.   The Hard Wok Cafe they call it.  Believe me dear there’s precious little hard work goes on in there – have you tasted the chips?  Less grease more elbow needed if you ask me…”

Win:  “Whatever did you do Hilda?  I bet you were scared.”

Hilda:  “No… I turns round… drives right up to him and looks him straight in the eye – both of ‘em.”Hoody

Win:   “Ooh Hilda… what did he do?”

Hilda:   “Not a lot… I parked on his new trainers.  Anyway he fixes me with an evil look; couldn’t help it I suppose he was born wiv’ it; then he pushes his hoody off his head – horrible it was…”

Win:   “His head?!  What was wrong with his head?!  I thought you said you’d stopped on his foot?”

Hilda:   “One of the chips that he threw had shifted in me scarf and was sittin’ on me neck like a slug.”

Win:  “Urrrgh…”

Hilda:  “I threw it on the ground and when I looked in the shop window the tomato sauce had left a mark on me neck like a hickey from one of them gigolo fellas.   Anyway by then he had grabbed me by the scooter.  He says – ‘Move out the way grandma and die!’  You old people – well, he actually said somethin’ beginnin’ with a ‘C’ that on my dear dad’s dead body I would never let pass my lips…”

Win:   “Crikey!”

Hilda:  “No, that wasn’t it… he goes on that I shouldn’t be allowed to be on the road and that anyone my age – I told him I am eighty-two you know; you should have more respect – but he says we should all be put to sleep by vets like dogs when we reach fifty so that he can have a job – us and all them immigrants too!”

Win:  “Ooh Hilda that’s awful…”

Hilda:  “I tells him don’t you start – any pensioner over eighty who goes in the Health Centre on Curtain Road under that new consultant Dr Chandra dies within the year they say – they reckon it’s like them badgers: a controlled cull by the government because they don’t want to pay the old folk their TV licences.  Final Curtain Road they call it.  I’m a bit breathless these days but I didn’t tell him cause I ain’t havin’ him nick me remote when Corrie’s got good again.  Anyway he leans over me – little bits of spit went on me face…” chips

Win:  “Dr Chandra?”

Hilda:  “No hoody-boy; no manners, mouth wide open while he was eatin’ like I said it was horrible – and he says let me pimp your ride Grandma then you can drive into a wall quicker and that’d save him the effort.  He had tattoos on him and he was playin’ hippy-hoppy on his Pea –Pod.  Anyway that’s him over the road there.”

Win:   “There’s a community policeman outside Poundland – shall I get him to come over and have a word wiv ‘im seein’ as he threatened you like that?”

Hilda:  “No, what use is a clockwork copper?  Even the real things no good these days – if you can find one!   No what you do is you drive over to him real slow, wave at him – well get his attention somehow – and call him that ‘C’ word and don’t worry Win I’ll be right behind you… and when he gets off the pavement to come towards you I’ll drive like my mate Lewis at his skinny jeans and break his scrawny legs!”

Win:  “Ooh Hilda; what right in front of that special constable?!”

Hilda:   “That’s alright Win… I’ll tell the copper he walked in front of me – tell him I’m confused because that Dr Chandra has me on medication: then I’ll pretend I can’t control this thing and roll back over the little sod’s legs while he’s still on the ground.”

Win:  “Ooh Hilda; what if he wants to press charges?”

Hilda:  “I’ll give the copper my confused old woman look and say – Sorry Officer,  I am 82 you know…”

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