Archive for the ‘Period drama’ Tag

A Dozen Reasons To Avoid A Trip To The Cinema

now-showing21)      A FEEL-GOOD movie.  I feel sick: paper-thin plot, clichéd characterisation and predictable emotional journey – strictly from A-B.  We’re not talking James Brown here… only the bland leading the blind for the blonde in taste.

2)      ANYTHING recommended by Baz Bamigboye – the rent-a-quote boy(e) of the British film press.  No man has laid down so much product puff to so many that means so little to so few.  Must have hit more crossroads than a Birmingham delivery driver… he has sold his soul so often that his disappearing critical faculty is subject of a complex new Scandinavian mystery movie.

3)      A 3D SPECTACULAR.  The producers didn’t develop the script, they paid no money on quality actors and forgot a film is supposed to have a plot that holds all the rest together.  But… “Hey; like WOW – we got monster’s dangly bits that reach right out into the audience!”

4)      A SPECIAL GUEST STAR selection for misogynists; X-boxers and X-men lovers – and anyone else who does anything X-rated in a back bedroom with the curtains drawn.  A PERIOD DRAMA: there’s a clue in the description – it has nothing whatsoever to do with women’s ahem, bits (mind you neither do the above) but is mainly for women.  Shout “Jane Austen” at these black-clad warriors and they shrivel like vampires in any case.

5)      Anything where FRANCHISE is the predominant descriptive word – rather than movie.

6)      The latest singing sensation’s FIRST acting role.  You don’t like their disingenuous singing and cod-sexual posturing so what odds that you’re going to believe in their acting?

7)      Remake of an absolute stone-cold CLASSIC.  Crime scene alert!  “There’s no believable motive lieutenant.”  Who? What? When? Where? Why???!!!

8)      A FAMILY FILM – not for you, unless you’ve got a young family.  As an adult you’re only there to provide the lift and the mega-bucket of popcorn.  Family means it’s targeted at the youngest members only you big kid!

9)      The DIRECTOR’S CUT – more indulgent than aforesaid mega-bucket of popcorn and just as irresponsible.  There is a reason for a film being cut in the first place.

10)   A MUST SEE movie.  The triumph of the film industry’s favourite equation: flavour of the month x Oscar nominations x marketing push + lazy critics squared = big bucks.

11)   Any film where critics see fit to invent a new ADJECTIVE such as – Bumclenchinglyamoviemazing!  Crap basically: with more syllables than actual film plus points.

12)   A PLOT based solely on a hit song; a computer game; Justin Bieber’s life story; a hunch or pre-production focus group marketing taken to the nth degree.

    

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