Archive for the ‘Jeremy Kyle Show’ Tag

The Killing Floor (7)


“Thanks Charlie!  That’s right – no more blanks!  Damn it man – of course it was me!  I always get there in the end… Ha! Ha!  Yes, we simply must… once all the hoo-hah has died down a bit.  I know; that’s the trouble – she who must be conveyed is here already… but Trish needs her so what can you do, eh?  That’s right we really must catch up some time… and James if he’s available?  What about Kelvin?  Too busy?  What Kelvin?!  As if!  Okay speak to you soon… love to Anna and the girls… right; I’ll try not to.  Ha! Ha!  Cheers then matey.  Right you are…. Bye!  Phew…”

“You alright?”

“Me?  Oh yes… I’m great… I guess… Just trying to get my head around it…”

“Around what?!”

“It’s finally happened!”

“What has?”

“The big one…”

“You mean you’ve finally made a deal that hasn’t unravelled or needed rescuing by yours truly?”

“No… We’ve conceived… Me and Trish – well, she has!”

“Good grief.”

“Tested yesterday…”


“Confirmed by the doctor today…”


“She just rang me from Harley Street.”

Hell… That’s it then.”

“We’ve been trying for ages and…”

“All over – capiche?”

“Trish is ecstatic: she’s talking about names already!”

“Mr Dead End that’s a good one.”

“What?  Oh, hey John thanks.. yeh, that’s right – who’d have thought it?  Cheers!  And you!”

“Welcome to Kaputsville…”

“So long as it’s healthy I’m not really bothered…”

“The career care home…”

“Should start thinking of putting its name down for schools and… hey hang on a minute… what on earth are you on about?!”

“Just as well clear your desk now before upstairs asks you to.”

“What?!  Everyone else is pleased… but I should have guessed it’s too much for you…”

“Let ‘em… they can goo-goo and ga-ga all they like – and after waving pleasantries at John double-barrelled bullshit over there I’d check my wallet, my watch and my brain cells – I’m your only friend in all this – I’m telling you like it is… you should listen.”

“To what?!”

“Last guy to get pregnant – yeh?  They sacked him within a week.”


“Gavin …”

“Maybe they did – but what’s that got to do with his wife being pregnant?  He had the most persistent coffee-breath I’ve ever known – so much so they christened him Gav-the-gag.  He had a personality disorder – that stood out like a socialist plumber in a Bank of England lavatory during a monetary policy meeting – which incidentally he told the nation all about in great detail on his unauthorised guest appearance on The Jeremy Kyle Show… and that was all apart from being caught openly manipulating interest rates: an offence that when he was confronted with by his department head – he told him he was screwing his wife on the side and he was doing that because she had no interest in their marriage and rated him about three out of ten between the sheets…”

“Ah yeh… but he only did that because he had a kid…”

“Jeez… I give up.”

“Listen to me… get a kid and you go soft… I’ve seen it all before… the risk element leaves as quickly as a paid PR.  You lose your balls… they shrink in inverse proportion to all that touchy-feely – real man – this is what’s truly important -hearts and flowers – run through the sand together stuff.  You’ve been emptying more than them out on her cycle and remember – she owns the saddle!  You’ve been blowing your career as you’ve been blowin’ your load.   You’ll be in with the foot soldiers next – the bloody woodentops in corporate or business banking… MY GOD!…”

“What’s up?!”

“ For a fleeting moment I had a vision of you dealing with SME’s.  OH NOIt can’t be!

“What now?!”

“They’ve only gone and sent you back to training to work on the bloody high street!”

“I said to Trish this morning – if it’s a positive just give him ten minutes and he’ll drag me down to his level straight away.  You’re just… just… perverse…”

“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger!  Making money is what’s important – you’ll go fiscally flabby in a few months: this place will be like a crèche for the common good; it’ll be all about the sprog’s future clouding your judgement when what is important is the deal – NOW!  Oh; and instead of the lovely rich odour of business and accumulating dosh – the only smell will be of sour milk from the puke stains on your shirts.”

“You just carry on with the hard currency man act – I’m not convinced… ok?”



“Hey; come on… let’s celebrate with a coffee… an Ethiopian, yeh?  And how about I get them to put in an extra shot?  It is good news you know… Come on – what d’ you say?”

“I say forget it – the only drink I need kills sperm on contact and comes with a grown up age on the bottle.  And the only good news around has just been flagged up on my screen as another of my babies reaches maturity so – if you’ll excuse me – just head that pushchair in the direction of all those soft mums-to-be over there will you?”

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