The Man At The End Of The Bar (christmas)

He’s of indeterminate age.  He resides in every pub and bar in the land.  An everyman with a pint glass.  He doesn’t appear to have any friends… unless they’ve all used the excuse of going to the toilet.  He’s a self-regarding oasis in an ocean of anomie.  This man is an island… He’s most definitely not a peninsula.  If he were the butterfly wings of chaos Sinking a pinttheory then heaven help what’s happening on the other side of the world.  If there really is six degrees of separation to Kevin Bacon – then he’s number seven.  If all famous rock bands have an unlucky early member who leaves prior to them making it big – then it wasn’t him.  If he had a makeover no-one would notice – because no-one would remember what he originally looked like.  His sole purpose in life is to make comment on conversations he isn’t involved in; to people he doesn’t know; while delivering his wisdom to an audience of none.  He offers his opinions regardless.  Without thought.  Or fear.  Or favour.  Or reason.  His only obvious social skill is setting a tumbleweed of indifference adrift among a desert of silent disbelieving looks.  Who said that?!

The Man at the end of the bar


“Eh?!  What do you mean – what have I done?!  What you on about?  I came in here for a quiet drink… not to be disturbed by a bunch of teenagers pokin’ their noses into my business… Huh!


“Can’t you do somethin’ about this Dave?  I am a regular… What?!  Christmas – what?!  If they stopped makin’ so much bloody noise I might be able to hear you… Oh… Right… They’re just singin’ John Lennon’s Christmas song.  I knew that… of course I did.   He was a hero of mine.  Yeh, that’s right kids – people used to say I was a lot like him… Plastic Ono Band?  Oh yeh I’ve got the coloured vinyl at home from when it first came out.  What colour?!  You stupid or summat son?  Christmas puddin’ colour of course…


“♫And so this is Christmas…

Da-da-da – er… fun…

Da-da-da-da-da-da – and er… y…y…oungggg.





Da-da-da-da… f..e..a..r…


War… huh…what is it good for?  Course I know that’s the wrong song!

War… is…. o…ver…

If you er… w..a..n…t it…

Do I want it?  Yeh!  Do you?  Yeh!


“Okay… Merry Christmas!  Yeh, you all have a good one!  See ya!  That’s right – solidarity brothers!  And sisters… that’s it keep doin’ it for yourselves…  Bye… bye!  Rock on!  Bye!  That’s it lads keep fightin’ the powers that be… Alright darlin’ there’s no need to get uppity I only wanted a kiss under the mistletoe – alright?!  So much for peace and love!  No I couldn’t be her Grandad!  How old do you think I am?!  Dad?  Well…maybe?  Bye… Merry Christmas!  Bye!


Phew… they’ve gone… bunch of student wasters if you ask me.  Never liked that peace shit of Lennon’s anyway… he let a woman take over didn’t he?  Remember what happened at the Duke of Wellington when the landlord’s missus got started doin’ the orderin?  Plastic Ono Band?  Oh No indeed!  I much preferred him when he was a walrus.  Poet of the people.  Better still before he had them glasses and the long sideburns.  Put another one in there will you Dave?”


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